the ugly truth

A couple of Thursdays ago I went "to the streets" with Word Made Flesh, an organization in the city of El Alto (located above La Paz) which seeks to "serve Jesus among the most vulnerable of the world's poor" (http://www.wordmadeflesh.org/).

In WMF Bolivia's case, they serve among women in prostitution. They have developed a refuge called La Casa Esperanza (House of Hope) for women to come and have free lunches and teas, purchase clothes for almost no cost, take trade-skill classes, and just be in a loving, trustworthy community. There is no judgement from the workers at the Casa. They show these women pure love. They feed them, clothe them, teach them, and love them the way I think Jesus would have done in his day. A majority of these women (who do this as a legitimate job, by the way; prostitution is legal in Bolivia) feel they have no way out. They have children, some of them have husbands, and all of them have the will to survive--by whatever means they can. This is a way of life for them. Fortunately, WMF workers come alongside them, befriend them, and then try to help them find a better way.

WMF has been intensely discipling and working with a small group of women over several months. They have been "out of the scene" for a while now and have started a small business of making purses. (The exciting news is that they will be sold at the Passion '11 conference in Atlanta! If you go, make sure to check out their booth!) Not only have they found a new way of life in a career, they have found a new life in Christ. I know the latter life-change has made the biggest impact on these women, but I am also so grateful that WMF seeks to meet the physical needs of people, not only their spiritual needs.

As I shook hands and gave "besitos" to these women the night I went to the red-light district, my heart broke--from hard-heartedness to compassion, from pride to humility. Perhaps the hardest to swallow, though, were the swarms of men in the brothels. My stomach churned, my heart pounded with fury, and my jaw was locked tight as I looked in the faces of men who take advantage of these women--men who pay the equivalent of $1 for sex. If I can be honest, I really wanted to see to it that each one be castrated. But, as my friend explained, they are just as broken as the women. Just as broken as you and me. Rather than reveal their brokenness in the cyclical shame of the abused, they are the abusers. God is still trying to teach me to show grace. In the meantime, I have this convicting passage from The Message to reflect on:

"It's easy to see a smudge on your neighbor's face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, 'Let me wash your face for you,' when your own face is distorted by contempt? It's this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor." (from Matthew 7)

We're all broken. The women in the brothels are the same as me. And yes, at the core, the men who visit them are the same as me. How quickly I create my own caste system and put myself at the top. How easily I forget that, no matter what our social or economic status, we all have an indescribably deep need for Love, and will pursue whatever route we think will take us there.

I hope to share Love and Hope with the women in the brothels. But I know for sure another reason that I will go again: to learn an in-your-face lesson of humility. God, help me wipe the sneer off my own face before offering a washcloth to anyone else.

it was the best of times, it was the worst of times

The decision has been made. I am leaving La Paz and Highlands--my home and community for what will be three years--this coming June. Because I'm having to inform so many people, I think I have entered my first stage of grief. This sadness leads me to cherish even the smallest moments here, but I do hope that my mourning will turn to a bit more joy over the next couple months. It's such an odd place to be. In some ways I look forward to going back to the States. I miss my family and am especially thankful for time to be spent with grandparents and nieces.

In other ways it is the harder option. I find the States a rather unappealing place to live after having lived in Bolivia. I know materialism will be much more unavoidable than here in La Paz. The crazy, hectic lifestyle of most Americans clashes tremendously with the more laid-back, sometimes unaware-of-time culture here. The independent, fast-food, all-about-me culture of the States differs widely from the family-centered, meals-with-people, highly relational Bolivians. Of course I realize I am idealizing Bolivia right now. There are certainly times when I long for things in the States--efficiencies such as paved roads, waiting your turn in line, and being punctual. But there is so much that we gringos from Western culture can learn from Bolivians about valuing people, time (in the opposite sense of what most Americans consider in valuing time) and simplicity, not to mention what we can learn from each other in a setting like this. I have gained so much from fellow gringos here. Because we live and work so closely together, I have learned countless lessons about the importance of community and the vitality of vulnerability within it.

So why am I leaving? I've asked myself and God this question over and over again, but for reasons I can't explain well, I feel like the answer is always, "Because you need to. Your time is up." That's a pretty difficult answer to swallow given the things I love about my home in the Andes. However, I know that God has plans that are greater than I can understand. I know that, though I can't be anyone's salvation, I need to be with my family. I also know that I want to work more closely with the poor, and right now that means in the States, most likely inner-city. I have had this calling/desire since before I came to Bolivia. (Here I teach children from mostly middle class families.) Perhaps the past few years have been to prepare me for this.

I have no clue exactly what this transition will look like, but I'm completely certain that it involves taking the lessons of love and simplicity that I have learned here back to the States. I am scared--terrified, actually. All I can do is try to trust that God has already paved the way for the place where I can grow and learn and serve him best. Bolivia will forever be a part of me--a place of healing, restoration and growth. The trick, I suppose, is letting that permeate my life in the States, and attempting to find or create the type of community that I cherish so much here.

In the meantime, I plan to keep in mind all those cheesy quotes and country songs that talk about living each moment to the fullest, live like you're dying, and dance like nobody's watching or whatever. The coming months will be bittersweet. It's times like these when I'm especially grateful for the grace and strength of Jesus' promises.

not so natural

In my last post I attempted to sort out the differences between aspects of life being "easy" and "natural" in following Jesus. I'm realizing more, however, how unnatural following Christ can be as well. Yes, we're made in the image of God, and he created us to worship something (and the only thing that will give us fulfillment in that worship is God). But there are so many unnatural things about it as well. I've been wondering why it's not okay to give into every whim and desire we have as people--aren't they "natural?" Why is it not a good thing when people only follow their instincts, if they are God-given? The fact is that not all of them are. Because we are imperfect people, we perverse the things of God and change them into something that does not glorify him and can cause pain to others. Rather than acting in accordance with the way he formed us, we act the "natural" way of the flesh, which is actually opposite of God. We have this nasty thing called sin that confuses us into thinking that certain things that seem natural and good are actually destructive. People give into natural feelings and reactions all the time, and look around: We are surrounded by greed, hatred, mistrust, abuse, affairs, and death, none of which are representative of the God of the Bible. What if people were to choose not to give into their natural (sinful) desires? What if we would deny ourselves certain things for the betterment of others? What if we would choose the road less traveled that feels pretty unnatural because we know that in doing so we'd have something much better, more lasting, eternal even?

Then [Jesus] said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self?" ~Luke 9:23-25

easy vs. natural

Sometimes we use the words "easy" and "natural" interchangeably: "That seems so easy for her" has much the same meaning as "It seems natural for her to be able to do that." Merriam-Webster defines "easy" as this: "causing or involving little difficulty or discomfort; requiring or indicating little thought, effort, or reflection; effortless." It defines natural as this: "having a specified character based on the basic constitution of a person, implanted by nature, seemingly inborn."

The definitions make sense in context of a task being easy to complete, or, in other words, natural for someone. But put in the context of my walk following Christ, these words are not synonymous. There is nothing about following Jesus that requires "little difficulty or discomfort." Jesus is frank about telling us that in this world we will have troubles. I never feel like I'm growing in faith when I am not disciplined in my thoughts, my effort, or my reflection. How can I be growing if I am not taking my thoughts captive to Christ, attempting to carve out a few minutes of my day for him, or meditating on Scripture? It's obvious that trying to follow Christ is not at all easy, much to my frustration. When I first became a believer, in many ways I assumed it would be. And maybe it was for the first couple months. But then it got hard--worth it, but definitely difficult.

Following Jesus is not easy, but it is natural.

We are made in the image of God. He formed each of us carefully and wonderfully with bits and pieces of his character within us. There are traits that aren't just "seemingly inborn," but in fact are actually inborn and cause us to desire God and be in relationship with him. We possess qualities and desires to follow God--or follow something--that aren't just happenstance or the easy thing to do. They are "implanted by nature," the nature of God.

So, although this may not be an epiphany for anyone else, it was for me. Though my walk with Christ will not ever be easy, it is natural. It's not something I have to force if I just remember that God created me to desire and worship him with my life. It is a natural thing. That's not to say I don't need discipline or effort, for the lack of those makes something easy. It means that, my character--the basic constitution of who I am--cries out for God. If I will only demolish the idea that this life, and following Jesus in it, should be easy, if only I will stop and be reminded of who God is and who I am, a relationship with Jesus might just come more naturally.

what it takes to be a mommy

Charlie, my brother-in-law: "Maddie, you're so cute. Don't ever grow up."

Maddie, my niece, who is 3 years old: "But Daddy, I have to grow up. 'Cause I've got to be a mommy!"

Maddie: "Neen-neen, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

Me: "A chef. Or an international traveler. What do you want to be?"

Maddie: "A mommy."

Maddie is the cutest 3-year-old on the planet (I have no biases). Besides pretending to nurse her baby dolls, she continually makes comments about being a mommy. I hope that, if it's God's plan for her, she will be a loving mommy some day.

Besides the genetic drives and maternal instincts that cause most women to want to be mothers, I know that Maddie's desire to parent comes from her own mommy, who does an absolutely incredible job raising Maddie and her little sister, Taylor. Here are the reasons why Kelly is such a fantastic mommy:

1. She is a working mom. Not only does she care for her little ones at home so well, she somehow manages to love each and every student at her school (and do all the paperwork and meetings and caseloads, etc. involved with her job).

2. Kelly disciplines with love. With her busy schedule, one might think she would turn around and snap at her daughters every now and then. Maybe she has (she is only human, after all), but I have yet to see her lose her temper with the girls. When they disobey, she firmly but quietly corrects them. When they whine, she stops them but gently explains the situation. She knows when they need firm instruction and when not to fight the battle because the whining will end on its own. This leads to...

3. She knows her daughters. She watches them. She listens to them. She spends quality time with them. She knows Maddie's fears and pushes her without making her feel more "scawed." She differentiates between Taylor's "I am being disobedient" mischievous smile and her "I am just being goofy" mischievous smile.

4. Kelly prays for her children. She and Charlie both try to authentically live out their faith, and it makes a difference, even at the girls' young ages. They read Bible stories and devotions to Maddie and get her to try to think from a Biblical standpoint--something to be said about that at the age of three.

5. Kelly makes sure that others are involved in her daughters' lives. I am so grateful that she makes an effort to Skype with me, to tell the girls about me when I'm in Bolivia, and to show pictures of me to Maddie and Taylor so they know their auntie despite the distance. I know she does this with other long-distance friends and family too. This, in combination with being intentional about time with nearby friends, teaches the girls the lifelong importance of community.

6. She is selfless. Kelly puts the needs of others, especially her husband and her children, above her own.

7. There are probably a billion more, but I have to stop and be reminded that the reason why Maddie looks up to her, the reason why she is such a good mommy, is not because of her. It's because of Christ in her. Though she would tell you she is still learning how to let Christ live through her and what that means in everyday life (a lesson I'm sure all the rest of us have obtained...right), there is no doubt that the love, patience, gentleness, self-control and selflessness she has as a mom are gifts from God. He is honored that she uses her gifts in being a mother to bring glory to the Father.

If I ever am a mommy some day, I will certainly take out these notes from observing my superhero sister.

It's obvious that Maddie has already sweetly written these lessons on her little heart.

home

i'll admit it. i'm a gleek. for those of you not down with the lingo, that means a "glee" geek. i can't help it. i'm absolutely hooked on this ridiculously cheesy, unrealistic high school sitcom. so recently i was re-watching the "home" episode (all of the spotlighted characters unpredictably discover or deal with the same theme or issue during an episode). kristin chenoweth sings a beautiful verson of "home," and the beginning lyrics go like this: "when i think of home, i think of a place where there's love overflowing..." i thought this entirely appropriate as i just spent 2.5 weeks in my nc homes and then speedily returned to my bolivian home. so, when i think of home, i think of the places where people give love overflowing:

mom and dad, i'm so thankful that you took great effort (even more than you originally thought) to come visit me in la paz. i'm grateful that you have experienced my home here. i am also thankful to be able to go "home" to greenville, at the house, in our neighborhood and at church.

kelly and charlie, even though i didn't live with you very long, i have always felt at home with you and your sweet family in greensboro. thanks for getting the beach place and making it a wonderful home for the week.

to my community in glenwood, i think it will always feel a little like home when i visit.

to nannie and granddaddy, you always open up your house to so many with such generous hospitality. thank you for sharing your heart with me each time i enter your home.

to my friends across my north carolina/united states home, thank you for letting your love overflow to me. i always feel at home with you.

to my "family" and friends in my bolivian home, thank you for welcoming me with that same kind of love. i am grateful to be able to call la paz my home now.

even though it is at times unsettling to not be, well, settled, i am honored to have so many places that i lovingly call home. i guess the saying's true: home IS where the heart is.

one is silver and the other gold...and i'm slag

I have spent the past few days alone in my apartment in La Paz and have been forced to reflect on life (hence the reason why I have not blogged in 6 months...reflection is hard, time-consuming, and something I wrongly but often avoid). So, if there are people out there who still check my blog, I don't want to spew out every event, lesson and emotion of the past few months. Being as I have had a lot of alone time, this post is more a self-reflection anyway--a verbal/typed processing, as it were, on how the Lord has blessed me with great friends here in La Paz and what God is teaching me through them. So many missionaries get burned out because of lack of community. I am beyond grateful for the people whom I have shared life with the past year or two:

My roommates have been amazing, and, sad as it is that Sarah is gone for vacation and Ashlyn will not be returning, distance makes the heart grow fonder and I have had nothing but joy thinking about memories from the past two years. I smile as I reflect on all the laughs during "Mamma Mia" and "Friends," all of the crazy dances we choreographed, various events at our apartment, road trips in the Beast (Sarah's car) and late-night talks that usually involved me falling asleep. Though we have also had our challenges, I am incredibly thankful for these women who inspire me to be more like Christ and challenge me to live life to the fullest. I cannot imagine life in apartment 403 without Ashlyn next year, but I am excited for the new adventure she is beginning in the States. Sarah and I will have another adjustment with two new roommates for next school year. I am so thankful that Sarah has been a constant friend and confidant since the start of our contract two years ago. Scott, a good friend that is always available to help with a servant's attitude, will be gone for the first semester. It will be incredibly hard not having him around to save Sarah and me from crises, but I'll also dearly miss his laid-back, fun, intelligent quirkiness. To my old friends, goodbye for now. I miss you. You have impacted my life for the better in so many ways.

As for my new friends, those whom I have gotten to travel and spend time with this year, and those whom I still don't know very well, I pray the same for them as with old ones. I want to inspire them and be inspired to be more like Christ, to learn how to love God and to love them in an authentic, vulnerable manner. This is difficult for me--opening up to folks has never been my strong suit--but I am learning that, as introverted as I can be, closing myself off is not fulfilling, nor is it God-glorifying. My hope is to develop quality relationships with new people, not for the sake of having a lot of friends, or out of fear of a couple old friends getting to know me "too" intimately, but to experience all that God has for me here. I want to be available to be a blessing to others and allow them to bless me.

I realize this is not easy for me for a couple reasons. I know that I have a fear of failure and rejection, and both of these come into play in old and new relationships. {Lord, help me cast aside my fear, remembering that your perfect love drives it out.} I also know that to be real and honest with others, I have to do the same with myself. {Lord, strip away all the masks and layers I add to my identity that are not true, that aren't pieces of who I really am in you.}

As I continue on this difficult, I-think-I've-arrived-but-nope!-still-have-a-long-way-to-go journey of the Lord refining me, he reminds me how much I need others for this process. Isn't it better to ask God to "fix" me without bothering or burdening others? I can ask, but our God doesn't work that way. I know the joy of sharing life with others involves some risk--allowing them to see my "junk" along with the good stuff. It's not unlike what God wants from me in my relationship with him. {Lord, help me trust you and others as I let go of anything that isn't what you made me to be and let others help me in the discovery of my true identity in you.}

To all my old and new friends, thank you for being an absolutely vital part of my journey. I hope I can return the favor.