I have spent the past few days alone in my apartment in La Paz and have been forced to reflect on life (hence the reason why I have not blogged in 6 months...reflection is hard, time-consuming, and something I wrongly but often avoid). So, if there are people out there who still check my blog, I don't want to spew out every event, lesson and emotion of the past few months. Being as I have had a lot of alone time, this post is more a self-reflection anyway--a verbal/typed processing, as it were, on how the Lord has blessed me with great friends here in La Paz and what God is teaching me through them. So many missionaries get burned out because of lack of community. I am beyond grateful for the people whom I have shared life with the past year or two:
My roommates have been amazing, and, sad as it is that Sarah is gone for vacation and Ashlyn will not be returning, distance makes the heart grow fonder and I have had nothing but joy thinking about memories from the past two years. I smile as I reflect on all the laughs during "Mamma Mia" and "Friends," all of the crazy dances we choreographed, various events at our apartment, road trips in the Beast (Sarah's car) and late-night talks that usually involved me falling asleep. Though we have also had our challenges, I am incredibly thankful for these women who inspire me to be more like Christ and challenge me to live life to the fullest. I cannot imagine life in apartment 403 without Ashlyn next year, but I am excited for the new adventure she is beginning in the States. Sarah and I will have another adjustment with two new roommates for next school year. I am so thankful that Sarah has been a constant friend and confidant since the start of our contract two years ago. Scott, a good friend that is always available to help with a servant's attitude, will be gone for the first semester. It will be incredibly hard not having him around to save Sarah and me from crises, but I'll also dearly miss his laid-back, fun, intelligent quirkiness. To my old friends, goodbye for now. I miss you. You have impacted my life for the better in so many ways.
As for my new friends, those whom I have gotten to travel and spend time with this year, and those whom I still don't know very well, I pray the same for them as with old ones. I want to inspire them and be inspired to be more like Christ, to learn how to love God and to love them in an authentic, vulnerable manner. This is difficult for me--opening up to folks has never been my strong suit--but I am learning that, as introverted as I can be, closing myself off is not fulfilling, nor is it God-glorifying. My hope is to develop quality relationships with new people, not for the sake of having a lot of friends, or out of fear of a couple old friends getting to know me "too" intimately, but to experience all that God has for me here. I want to be available to be a blessing to others and allow them to bless me.
I realize this is not easy for me for a couple reasons. I know that I have a fear of failure and rejection, and both of these come into play in old and new relationships. {Lord, help me cast aside my fear, remembering that your perfect love drives it out.} I also know that to be real and honest with others, I have to do the same with myself. {Lord, strip away all the masks and layers I add to my identity that are not true, that aren't pieces of who I really am in you.}
As I continue on this difficult, I-think-I've-arrived-but-nope!-still-have-a-long-way-to-go journey of the Lord refining me, he reminds me how much I need others for this process. Isn't it better to ask God to "fix" me without bothering or burdening others? I can ask, but our God doesn't work that way. I know the joy of sharing life with others involves some risk--allowing them to see my "junk" along with the good stuff. It's not unlike what God wants from me in my relationship with him. {Lord, help me trust you and others as I let go of anything that isn't what you made me to be and let others help me in the discovery of my true identity in you.}
To all my old and new friends, thank you for being an absolutely vital part of my journey. I hope I can return the favor.
